Addiction to Sexual Shame, Guilt & Fear
I recently had a consensual sexual experience with someone and the morning after my heart was filled with immense gratitude and satisfaction. Immediately after acknowledging those emotions my mind began to fight me. Because normally, I would be filled with guilt & shame and beat myself up for days. I would call everyone close to me to help me process why and how I could do that and make a plan to never do it again. I would gravel before God and promise to never do it again and pray to close whatever door I opened. And then it would happen again and I'd be right back in the same cycle all over again.
Feeling shame for sexual choices, behaviors & feelings is normal in our culture we even associate it as part of a healthy relationship with God. We assume sexual shame is a response to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. We embrace it and feel as if something is wrong when we don't experience it after a "wrong" or "bad" choice. As a Christian, if sexual shame is absent we feel as if our consciences have been seared and we are disconnected from God.
There are many reasons why at the age I have reached and the journey of self-development I've been on I could not embrace such disdain for myself after making a conscious decision to engage sexually with another person. I've been massively healed from the deadly rhetoric of mainstream Christianity about sex & sexuality. My relationship with my sexuality and spirituality are inseparable in my walk with God. I do not subscribe to the doctrine of hate towards my physical body and the denying of healthy expression of my sexuality & seeking of pleasure. But even with all of that my mind wanted to convince me that I indeed was filled with guilt & shame. So I talked to the Holy Spirit and this is what I understand now.
When you grow up in an environment that is anti-pleasure, anti-sexuality, anti-anything that you don't perceive to be perfection your brain is adapted to ensure you stay in the lines. So whenever you do anything--eat the cake, drink the wine, smoke the cigarette, masturbate, kiss your partner--anything--your brain instantly initiates the shame sequence to bring you back in line. And your body physically becomes addicted to those emotions.
The fear and shame become a drug and we have to feed our addiction over and over and over again. So even if you're living the holiest life you know how to live, if you read 5 chapters instead of 6 chapters in the Bible you will feel the exact same guilt & shame for being intrinsically wrong or broken. Honestly, there are no new unique emotions based upon what you're experiencing. The only thing that makes the difference is the story you tell and the context in which you are experience "brokenness." But this is the Romans 7 man's dilemma. This is the scriptural truth of how the law brings about death.
We live by the Spirit of God as believers. We are led by Him/Her. We are also One with Her. And She is Love. Whatever that is not of love is not of Her. So if I experienced this powerful moment of love and pleasure with someone I deeply care about and I feel gratitude for having had that experience that is actually a GOOD thing and not something to be bucked against. And I fully embraced this after a night of struggling with God about my unusual response and the beautiful way She showed me I was addicted to the feelings of guilt and shame. And that no matter what it had been my body/mind is used to waking me up with the weight of shame before I start my day because of the law saturated environment I am no longer a part of. PTSD basically.
I'm going to stop here because its getting a little long and do a part 2. I love yall. Make sure you following me on Instagram where I interact daily and am much more active on than any other platform.